No More Playing Small: Break the Barriers of Self-Denial

One day I made a choice. This choice changed my life forever. I made the choice to no longer deny myself, my truth, or my purpose. This choice transformed every part of my Being…not all at once because this journey has no destination. However, upon this journey, I learned the difference between self-denial and self-denial. Yes, I meant to write it that way. Self-denial is counterintuitive, it has two meanings. One meaning serves us well in the form of personal growth, and the other meaning destroys you when it goes against your desires, true needs, and wellbeing, if you don’t address it. So, let’s break it down.

         Let’s talk about self-denial, you know the one that destroys and diminishes your spirit, but let’s give it more context. We will call this form of self-denial, self-neglect. This form of self-denial is the act of suppressing or rejecting one’s own needs, desires, or feelings- often for the sake of others, societal pressures, or fear of confrontation. Self-neglect is attached to your roots, your foundational trauma, and the conditions you were taught. Most of us grew up disconnected from our bodies and mind by way of some form of parental guidance, some form of abuse, neglect, abandonment, or all of it. Initially our roots determine our view of life from an external point of view, which means we often look for attention, acceptance, validation, love, and most importantly safety in other people, places or things.

         Here are a few indicators that you may be familiar with that explains if you fall into the self-neglect category. People-pleasing, lack of boundaries, fear of expression, depression, anxiety, substance abuse, staying in harmful relationships, having empty sex, lack of creative expression, no access to purpose, and the list goes on. Self-neglect is learned, we didn’t consciously choose to self-neglect, but for most of us, this was the only way to survive certain aspects of our life. However, at some point, you must acknowledge this truth to change and transform your mind to create a better life for yourself.

         Changing your mind, will transform your life. To change your mind, you must be willing to deeply commit to a journey of discovery and healing. Healing isn’t linear, meaning it is different for every individual. I like to call it our Self-Discovery Journey. This is the part of the journey where we recreate our foundation by addressing the past, the trauma, and self-neglect and how it has affected you and impacted your life.

Here are some signs of self-neglect:

• Emotional & Mental Signs

  • Chronic self-sacrifice – Always putting others’ needs first, even at the expense of your own well-being.

  • Guilt for prioritizing yourself – Feeling selfish or ashamed when you take time for yourself.

  • Loss of identity – Struggling to recognize what you want, need, or enjoy outside of obligations.

  • Suppressing emotions – Avoiding expressing anger, sadness, or frustration to keep the peace.

  • Feeling unworthy – Believing your needs don’t matter as much as others’.

  • Burnout & exhaustion – Constantly feeling drained but pushing through without rest.

  • Over-apologizing – Taking responsibility for things that aren’t your fault or apologizing for having boundaries.

• Physical Signs

  • Neglecting self-care – Skipping meals, lacking proper rest, or ignoring personal hygiene due to stress.

  • Ignoring health concerns – Avoiding doctor’s visits, neglecting exercise, or dismissing pain/discomfort.

  • Frequent illnesses – Chronic stress and exhaustion lowering your immune system.

• Behavioral Signs

  • People-pleasing – Saying “yes” when you really mean “no” to avoid disappointing others.

  • Avoiding conflict at all costs – Silencing your thoughts or needs to keep relationships smooth.

  • Overcommitting – Taking on too much because you feel guilty saying no.

  • Feeling stuck or hopeless – A sense that life is happening to you rather than you being in control.

    
    

The bridge to transform self-neglect is self-connection. This process guides you to turn your attention inward. Your view of the world reflects who you are internally and to create change, you must connect to your truth, even if it’s painful. To survive certain circumstances, you’ve had to disassociate (cut off, numb, detach) from the painful memories of the past. It’s not an easy process, but it’s necessary to heal. You must treat yourself like a flower by being delicate, gentle, and soft because your past is not your fault, but it is your responsibility to heal now that you are aware.

         Self-connection is then the bridge to intentional self-discipline, the better form to self-neglect. Self-connection is the ongoing process of building a deep, honest, and compassionate relationship with yourself. It’s about truly knowing yourself, listening to your inner voice, and living in alignment with your values and needs. Self-connection is finding the time to quiet the noise, embracing silence, solitude, and stillness.

Here’s what self-connection often includes:

• Self-awareness

  • Understanding your emotions, thoughts, behaviors, and patterns without judgment.

  • “Why do I feel this way?” “What do I truly want?”

• Self-compassion

  • Treating yourself with the same kindness you would offer a loved one.

  • “It’s okay to feel this. I’m doing the best I can.”

• Authenticity

  • Being honest with yourself and others, rather than performing or people-pleasing.

  • “This is who I really am.”

• Honoring Your Needs

  • Recognizing and responding to your emotional, physical, mental, and spiritual needs.

  • “I need rest right now.” “I need space to process.”

• Inner Trust

  • Believing in your inner wisdom, intuition, and ability to guide your own life.

  • “I trust myself to make this decision.”

Self-connection is the root of healthy relationships, boundaries, purpose, and healing. Without it, we tend to live from a place of self-denial, performance, or disconnection. Some of the ways self-connection can be done is through meditation, contemplation, journaling, body movement, therapy, life coaching, and a supportive community. Self-connection brings awareness to yourself, your inner world and how it relates to the outer world. Self-awareness, mindfulness, monitoring your thoughts, and how you identify with your thoughts. For instance, if there is a lot of negative self-talk, you must be mindful and not identify with those thoughts, you counteract those thoughts with positive self-talk to transmute that energy. Affirmations is a great tool as well because it trains your subconscious to assist in recreating your foundation.

         Intentional self-discipline (healthy sacrifice) is making the choice to change the narrative. It is the practice of setting boundaries, habits, and routines that align with your values and long-term well-being, rather than denying yourself out of guilt, fear, or external pressures. It’s about making conscious choices that serve your growth rather than suppressing your needs. Releasing the old patterns and behaviors of self-neglect to create a space of inner harmony and peace within. It’s choosing to be open and accepting of yourself, your truth, and voice so healing can take place. It’s choosing a routine that intentionally makes you a better version of yourself. An example of self-neglect is picking up the phone as soon as you awaken not giving yourself time to be grateful, mind your thoughts and intentions for the day, and self-discipline is you allowing yourself two hours after you’ve awakened to set your intentions, contemplate, and state your gratitude for the day.

How Self-Discipline Differs from Self-Neglect:

• Empowered Choice vs. Obligation – Intentional self-discipline is a choice you make for yourself, while self-denial often feels forced or conditioned.

• Long-Term Gain vs. Self-Neglect – Self-discipline helps you build a healthier, more fulfilling life, while self-denial leads to burnout and resentment.

• Self-Respect vs. Self-Suppression – Self-discipline honors your needs and values, whereas self-denial ignores or dismisses them.

Making wise choices can completely change how you view and experience life. To be self-connected is to live in alignment with your soul’s rhythm. You begin to honor what your spirit needs—not just what the world demands. You feel your emotions as messages, not enemies. You treat your body as a temple, your mind as a garden, and your heart as a compass.

Examples of Intentional Self-Discipline:

• Setting Boundaries – Saying no to draining commitments so you can protect your energy.

• Prioritizing Self-Care – Making time for rest, movement, and nutrition even when life gets busy.

• Emotional Awareness – Allowing yourself to feel emotions instead of pushing them aside.

• Mindful Sacrifice – Choosing to delay gratification (e.g., saving money for a goal) while still acknowledging your needs.

It’s remembering that you are not just doing life—you are being life.

And every time you turn inward with honesty, grace, and love,

You reweave the thread that ties you to Spirit, to Source, to the Divine within.

Here are some journal prompts to assist you on your self-discovery journey:

• What decisions are you currently making in your life out of fear?

• What relationships do you currently maintain out of obligation?

• Where in my life do I feel most drained or overwhelmed? What boundary might I need to set to protect my energy?

• What beliefs do I hold about saying “no”? How can I reframe those beliefs to feel more empowered?

• Where am I currently saying “yes” out of obligation, guilt, or fear? What would it look like to honor my true feelings?

• What areas of my life would improve if I set healthier boundaries?

• What is your earliest happy memory? How does it make you feel now?

• What is your earliest painful memory? How has it shaped your beliefs about yourself?

• How did your caregivers show (or withhold) love? How has that affected your relationships today?

• What were you often criticized for as a child? How does that impact your self-talk now?

Here are some affirmations to assist your with on your self-discovery journey:

• I understand that I am the creator of my reality.

• By understanding that, I prioritize the care of my wellness.

• I create time every day to nourish my spirit, soul, and body.

• I recognize my power by expressing myself authentically and honoring all parts of me.

Take your time with these prompts and remember this is a journey. Create a routine that makes space for intentional self-discipline and enjoy the growth and evolution of your Highest Divine Self.

Love You,

Keela

Self-Discovery Coach

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