My First Blog!

I pondered at the thought of what my first blog would say. I’m a bit intimidated of this whole idea because I don’t usually wear my heart on my sleeve. Honestly, I’m hoping that this will be some form of therapy for me. I have been dealing with anxiety/ panic disorder since 2016. That was during my deployment in Iraq. Of course at the beginning, I’ve tried to hide this and not talk about it because it’s not the norm. I’ve never had a conversation with someone about mental issues before my disorders. Hell I didn’t even know what was going on with me at the beginning. I didn’t know how to explain it in words because in my head, it didn’t make sense. “Who would really believe the things I’m thinking about?” I know I’m not the only one and I now know that it’s okay to not be okay!!

I’m at this weird place in life where I don’t know what’s next and I don’t know what my purpose is anymore. As I transition out of the Military, I can’t quite wrap my head around the fact that it’s almost over! Wow, what I thought was my career is almost over. Is it necessary? Absolutely, but after 9 years I didn’t think it would end like this. After my 3rd miscarriage, I sat in my psychiatrist office having a meltdown, she said “all you have to do is say the Word.” I was confused! She said, “you have been dealing with these issues since 2016, it’s time you consider your options.”

I want to stop here for right now. I have so much to say, but I want to space it out. At this moment, I am watching my family sleep, and although they give me the love and attention I desire, I’m still HURT! Ma’liah came in the bedroom and squeezed between us, I’m going to lay awake thinking and researching about miscarriages and military women.

-JOAB